My Title?

Mom. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Niece. Aunt. Wife. Girlfriend. Co-Worker. Small Business Owner. 

All these titles I know how to be. The biggest struggle I have found when trying to curve my own identity in this world is figuring out how to be JULIA. Just ME. What do I like to do? What sets me apart from the rest? What makes me, ME?

With the thought of this, I started evaluating my past. My mental past. Why have I thought things the way that I have? Why have I made the decisions that I have made? Why do I have the current life that live? When thinking of my past, the first thing that pops into view is good ol' high school. I hated high school. It wasn't a bad experience by any means, so when I say that I don't mean to dis on the memories with friends, or weekend hangouts, sporting events or study dates. What I mean when I say that, is that I hated being so emotionally unstable. I hated not feeling that I had control over my hormones or my mind for that matter. Maybe that is the reason why I was so rebellious as a young adult. I knew when I was a child I was expected to act a certain way, and I knew what was expected of me. Like they felt in the old days about kids; I felt like I was there to be seen, not heard.

I was always shy and quiet and would rather be in the background just watching others and observing. Wondering in situations what others in my life would do or rather, what they would expect ME to do. I never really felt like I had a mind of my own. When I neared graduation it was the first time I felt the need to start making my own decisions without the thoughts of what someone else would choose for me. I needed to start depending on myself and trusting my decision making. To make the decision and start finding my own happiness and what JULIA wanted. Little did I know at that time, I didn't know what the hell I wanted!!! I started distancing myself from people, running with different crowds and venturing off away from home. I found myself quickly becoming unhappy, not the happy I was searching for. A long chain of events later, I wouldn't change any of the bad decisions I made. For one, those decisions have brought me my two beautiful little boys.

They are to blame for the start of my true happiness. It was that moment when I decided that being a Mom was the commitment I wanted to make, that nothing else mattered. For the first time I felt like I had my focus. I felt like I was in control. And for the first time, with a clear conscious, I was.

When my twins were infants, though, it was a struggle and I felt myself starting to get overwhelmed, panicking, hyperventilating; pretty much turning into a complete basket case at times. I had to mentally talk to myself and try to calm myself down. Most people would think that is normal, in the scenario that I was a new mom, a new mom of TWINS, and rather young to be a mom, but I didn't see it as an excuse. For my sanity I mentally struggled to find a better way to handle my new world that had been turned upside down. This was when I began to realize that I needed to start making some changes. I came to the realization that I wasn't fond of making decisions, I was much better at decisions being made and I either went along with them OR I reacted against them.

Don't believe me? My hunny will back me on this when I say I HATE making decisions, and when he tries to make decisions for me and its not the decision I think I would have made I fight back :) (Part of being a woman though, right?). For example: when going out to dinner, I order the same food every time while attending certain restaurants. Like when we go to Olive Garden, I always get the spaghetti and meatballs. At Applebees, the oriental chicken roll up. I think you get the idea. I really don't like to think about things or think things through for that matter. Not that I think I am irrational, but that I jump the gun maybe a little too quickly on certain things. I cant help but blame that little girl that I was. Watching to see what everyone else would do, wondering what they were expecting me to do. However, with that being said, I give 100% to all that I do in fact DO,  with everything in my heart. Nothing that I decide to commit to is half assed. 

In the life I have tried to lead since starting to gather a grasp on who I am when I am in these certain roles, I have found common ground to try to make sure I can satisfy those in my life and satisfy myself. I have since tried to remember that I too matter. I too have to be happy. With that being said, I have only figured that out for said roles. When I take the mental minute to strip all the distractions and realities away, and only leave me with myself, I am lost. Which brings me to the point of this particular blog. What makes me, ME? What would I do with myself for a day? That is if I was ever given the opportunity to have a day to myself. What could I selfishly, but happily, do for 24 whole hours? Aside from my children, my loving man, my hobbies, my family and friends, I feel like a stranger to myself. I am never alone with myself. I never give ME a chance to talk, or think, or play, or do much of anything. But is that really a bad thing? Maybe I'm not meant to. Maybe I am destined to be a better person in this half way world. Servicing others and making sure those close to me are taken care of. Being the nurturing woman I am genetically designed to be instead of a lone wandering tumbleweed.