March 21 2014

Since the last few days of making my decision to sell marykay I have noticed a tremendous change in my attitude about myself. I am so much more excited to feel pretty. I have more energy because I feel happier. I am thriving on what my future holds and knowing I am 100% in control. It's also scary being in control of my future and having no one else to rely on. The kiddos have been feeling all sorts of cooped up from this awful winter we've had, I am no shorter of that feeling.  Today was such a nice day. We went out for a walk and it was great to get out and enjoy the sun!! Owen fell down some stairs and cut his head open for the first time. That was messy but boys will be boys. And it was nothing a bandaid couldn't fix. It's been a really good last couple days. And I know there will be more to come. I have been getting ahead of my schooling and planning for bigger and better things for this little family of mine. 

A long time ago...

I have been putting off my blog posts for a long time!! I have been in such a rut lately, mentally, but I am overcoming this! Being a stay at home mom is seriously the hardest job I've ever had. It is mentally draining! I love being able to be the ones to raise my babies and be there with them all day every day. However when you don't have a adult conversation or interaction for quite some time it really weighs down in you! I am removing the curtains and starting to do things for myself so I don't feel in this rut anymore. I have recently started doing Zumba and I am loving it. Today I decided I'm taking this whole new outlook in my life to the next step. So I signed up to start selling Mary Kay. To be around other strong and empowering women while being surrounded by other women with the same goal as mine. To feel pretty and part of something. I am so excited to start this new chapter of my life while still being able to be with all my babies full time. Wish me luck! 

Becoming an Adult Student

COLLEGE 

Shopping for online colleges are tough! You cant touch, feel, or see what exactly you are getting yourself into. Its more of having an imagination and trusting what you have researched and have been told about the place. 

With the birth of my last child and the decision to be a stay at home mom with all three kiddos to avoid having to pay a ridiculous amount of money for someone else to watch them, I am using this time to enroll myself back into school. I am not that old, but even as an adult, I don't know what I want to be when I grow up. Silly, right?

Ever since I was in early elementary school I have always wanted to be a teacher as my adult profession. When it came time for graduation I finally realized why I was so obsessed with this thought. I never knew anything other than school, and the thought of the real world scared the begeezus out of me. I like the routine that was expected of me. I liked knowing what my all day everyday was going to be like without having to think about what might be next. 

Since leaving school and not following through with college after high school, it was tough! However a number of years later I have found my nitch and am not so afraid of the real world. But trying to reverse to get back into school is now the scary thought. I am completely blind and don't know what I am doing anymore. Can I really take on this new adventure among all my other adventures I am currently taking on? 

The reality of it all is, yes I can take it on. There is no better time than now. I just have to locate and apply my big girl panties and just man up to doing what will benefit my family, and myself in the future. Even though staying home is the right thing to do for my family, I cant help but feel bad that now my hunny is the sole financial provider. I mean what stress that is going to add to our house! I hope that by going back to school it will help out my family, not only in the long run, but in the present too. But how will I know without trying? I feel like a toddler learning how to walk again. I guess in that sense, I am right along side my little ones and we are all learning together. 

Fashion Forward?

Last night I was enjoying my hunny time on the couch and we were watching the SAG awards. Whenever I watch all these award shows I cant help but get rather upset at what the world digs as 'important'. I dont agree with how materialistic people in this world have become and I feel that its events and situations such as these that make everyone else feel that it IS important too. For example, why is it that almost every time they are being interviewed the first question is: WHO are you wearing?? Then the following day a group of people all sit around each other and judge them like a bunch of bullies!

Why does everyone care about having 'Brand Name' anything? Does it really make you feel better about yourself? Is it that much of an achievement? Maybe because I am a mom now and my priorities are a little different, specially when it comes to how I spend my money and energy. 

On the flip-side, Yeah, it DOES feel good to be able to buy that Coach bag, or the "Little Black Gucci Dress". But what I fail to understand is WHY? What is it about these names that makes them different than the not so known names? Aside from the sale(or lack of sale) tag? I used to buy into it a little more when I was younger and I would feel good about being able to provide myself with that hundred dollar purse, but that good feeling never really lasted long, at least for me. So that brings me to my next thought; How long does the 'Good Feeling' last for you?? Does it wear off like the shiny new toy syndrome or does it stay? If it doesn't stay, does that explain why we are so obsessed with all these Names? The average American cant afford to continue to make the escalated purchases of these Names like these celebrities can, so what do we do instead? Stare with envy? Bust our ass trying to make that extra buck to that next purchase? Or just go completely crack addict crazy to get the money for the purchase no matter what is the cost. 

I know the whole fashion industry is worth billions and billions and I envy all who work in it, because I NEVER could. And to be honest the things that they come up with most of the time are absolutely gorgeous. However I couldn't handle the personalities of the stereotype fashionista, or the model, or the designer, or the anything for that matter(Probably why I don't have many girlfriends), not to mention the stress. But for what?? Maybe that's why I don't get this whole fashion world either. Maybe I'm just not good at being a GIRL. Always having to worry about my appearance and my hair and my makeup and my outfit or my jewelry. It's exhausting just thinking about it!! I even felt this way before entering motherhood. My mother and I would go round and round about getting up early in the morning to put that hair together or that makeup on. But I have always been a roll out of bed and walk out the door kind of gal.

So I'm not sure if I will ever understand why there is such importance put on this whole thing. Maybe its not for me to understand. I think I would be OK not understanding though. I am perfectly content with my $5.00 T-Shirt and my off brand jeans.

*** I don't mean to offend anyone in the fashion industry, or anyone else for that matter!! These are just my thoughts and vents***

My Title?

Mom. Daughter. Sister. Friend. Niece. Aunt. Wife. Girlfriend. Co-Worker. Small Business Owner. 

All these titles I know how to be. The biggest struggle I have found when trying to curve my own identity in this world is figuring out how to be JULIA. Just ME. What do I like to do? What sets me apart from the rest? What makes me, ME?

With the thought of this, I started evaluating my past. My mental past. Why have I thought things the way that I have? Why have I made the decisions that I have made? Why do I have the current life that live? When thinking of my past, the first thing that pops into view is good ol' high school. I hated high school. It wasn't a bad experience by any means, so when I say that I don't mean to dis on the memories with friends, or weekend hangouts, sporting events or study dates. What I mean when I say that, is that I hated being so emotionally unstable. I hated not feeling that I had control over my hormones or my mind for that matter. Maybe that is the reason why I was so rebellious as a young adult. I knew when I was a child I was expected to act a certain way, and I knew what was expected of me. Like they felt in the old days about kids; I felt like I was there to be seen, not heard.

I was always shy and quiet and would rather be in the background just watching others and observing. Wondering in situations what others in my life would do or rather, what they would expect ME to do. I never really felt like I had a mind of my own. When I neared graduation it was the first time I felt the need to start making my own decisions without the thoughts of what someone else would choose for me. I needed to start depending on myself and trusting my decision making. To make the decision and start finding my own happiness and what JULIA wanted. Little did I know at that time, I didn't know what the hell I wanted!!! I started distancing myself from people, running with different crowds and venturing off away from home. I found myself quickly becoming unhappy, not the happy I was searching for. A long chain of events later, I wouldn't change any of the bad decisions I made. For one, those decisions have brought me my two beautiful little boys.

They are to blame for the start of my true happiness. It was that moment when I decided that being a Mom was the commitment I wanted to make, that nothing else mattered. For the first time I felt like I had my focus. I felt like I was in control. And for the first time, with a clear conscious, I was.

When my twins were infants, though, it was a struggle and I felt myself starting to get overwhelmed, panicking, hyperventilating; pretty much turning into a complete basket case at times. I had to mentally talk to myself and try to calm myself down. Most people would think that is normal, in the scenario that I was a new mom, a new mom of TWINS, and rather young to be a mom, but I didn't see it as an excuse. For my sanity I mentally struggled to find a better way to handle my new world that had been turned upside down. This was when I began to realize that I needed to start making some changes. I came to the realization that I wasn't fond of making decisions, I was much better at decisions being made and I either went along with them OR I reacted against them.

Don't believe me? My hunny will back me on this when I say I HATE making decisions, and when he tries to make decisions for me and its not the decision I think I would have made I fight back :) (Part of being a woman though, right?). For example: when going out to dinner, I order the same food every time while attending certain restaurants. Like when we go to Olive Garden, I always get the spaghetti and meatballs. At Applebees, the oriental chicken roll up. I think you get the idea. I really don't like to think about things or think things through for that matter. Not that I think I am irrational, but that I jump the gun maybe a little too quickly on certain things. I cant help but blame that little girl that I was. Watching to see what everyone else would do, wondering what they were expecting me to do. However, with that being said, I give 100% to all that I do in fact DO,  with everything in my heart. Nothing that I decide to commit to is half assed. 

In the life I have tried to lead since starting to gather a grasp on who I am when I am in these certain roles, I have found common ground to try to make sure I can satisfy those in my life and satisfy myself. I have since tried to remember that I too matter. I too have to be happy. With that being said, I have only figured that out for said roles. When I take the mental minute to strip all the distractions and realities away, and only leave me with myself, I am lost. Which brings me to the point of this particular blog. What makes me, ME? What would I do with myself for a day? That is if I was ever given the opportunity to have a day to myself. What could I selfishly, but happily, do for 24 whole hours? Aside from my children, my loving man, my hobbies, my family and friends, I feel like a stranger to myself. I am never alone with myself. I never give ME a chance to talk, or think, or play, or do much of anything. But is that really a bad thing? Maybe I'm not meant to. Maybe I am destined to be a better person in this half way world. Servicing others and making sure those close to me are taken care of. Being the nurturing woman I am genetically designed to be instead of a lone wandering tumbleweed.

The Beginning

I have been wanting to start blogging since I was in school. I love to write, well I love the IDEA to write and read for that matter! Being a mother of now THREE children kinda makes things like reading and writing a little insignificant. Since having our third beautiful child it has been a decision of my hunny and mine to stay home with the children rather than working to pay for daycare. I NEVER thought I could be a stay at home mom, but now that I am I seriously LOVE everything about it. Even though there is not even a matter of hours without me yelling at one of them, I feel like there is nowhere else for me to be at the moment. Since this decision of not returning to my full time accounting job I have really focused on my small business I am trying to launch and make a success. Even mom's need their form of outlets from their kids and this is what I chose to be mine. Before having children I was always all about anything crafty. I have tried almost everything when it comes to crafts and I just cant seem to get enough. I, however, have grounded myself to the Sewing, Bow Making and Scrap-booking areas. Busy hands are happy hands right? Not that I need anything other than three kids to keep these hands of mine busy! So I really hope that all these multi-tasking aspects of my life will be of some sort of entertainment to any of the followers I may gain in this blogging venture. All that I aim for is not only to reach out to people, but to also inspire. I seek many people in my life, friend and foe, family and stranger, for many inspirations and wisdom to apply in my everyday life. If I can make a difference in even just ONE persons life, I would be more than content. Life; no matter who's or what's it is; is so very precious. <3